Icha Icha Horribilis
by librastar
Summary: "So that was the kinkiest thing you could come up with?" she muttered, her tone decidedly bored. "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of Konoha sex god!" Good heavens, Kakashi thought, completely flabbergasted. Was that what they were saying about him these days? A parodic view of the KakaSaku relationship. M for adult themes and some blue humour.


**Disclaimer:** As always, I can't claim credit for the wonderful world of Naruto because all characters, places and references are the copyright of the genius that is Masashi Kishimoto, and everything else is simply a figment and work of my imagination.

**A/N**: As much as I love KakaSaku fanfiction, you really have to admit that there are a lot of overused clichés on this site with regards to stories with this pairing. I'm guilty of using a lot of them, and I suspect a lot of us enjoy them anyway as our guilty pleasures. Nonetheless, I thought I might have a little fun writing a story that made use of those clichés by twisting them to be completely opposite to what we usually see - experienced readers should be able to pick them out. No malicious intent intended, just read on and have a little chuckle. Rated M for some suggestive themes.

**Icha Icha Horribilis - A KakaSaku Parody Fic**

"So tell me again why I have to wear this outfit?" Sakura asked, dubiously fingering the ankle-length pleated skirt and modest, button-up white school blouse she was currently wearing. Her huge, wide-rimmed glasses nearly slipped off her nose and the kunoichi quickly raised a hand to steady them. Two strawberry-pink plaits dangled demurely to her shoulders, fastened securely by large, old-fashioned black clips. Her free hand was clutching a large pile of _The Shinobi Handbook_ while her shoulders were weighed down by a backpack as large as Choji.

Kakashi was so mesmerized by the geeky vision before him that he forgot to make a lame excuse. "Because you should know by now that I'm a big _hentai_, and one of my favourite fetishes is the 'goody-two-shoes' schoolgirl," he murmured, reaching out a gloved hand to touch the smooth white cotton of her demure thigh-high school socks. _White was always so sexy on a woman. _

The Copy Ninja gave a naughty giggle. "I also have a "nice-nurse" outfit you can change into for the next lesson," he added, his obsidian eye flicking to the stiff white medic's coat and uniform she often wore to work that lay discarded on the floor.

"And after that," Kakashi held up a pair of handcuffs and whips. "Monopoly. I've got these for whoever gets sent to 'Jail'."

Sakura looked unimpressed at her silver-haired ex-sensei's antics. "So that was the kinkiest thing you could come up with?" she muttered, her tone decidedly bored. "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of Konoha sex god!"

_Good heavens_, he thought, completely flabbergasted. Was that what they were saying about him these days? This was what happened when he let Genma spend too many nights in the pub spreading rumours in his absence. People automatically assumed that a cultivated taste in literature guaranteed a similarly cultivated performance in the bedroom. Kakashi liked reading Icha Icha (that was no secret) but it _was_ a deadly secret that he was still…

A virgin.

Many years ago, while fighting against an S-ranked Iwa kunoichi, Gai had thrown Kakashi a challenge that the spandex-wearing jonin would be the first to defeat her. The loser would have to remain a virgin for twenty years. Knowing that they were both chakra-depleted and going to die anyway, he had agreed. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on the kunoichi suddenly tripping over one of Gai's orange leg warmers, knocking her out and miraculously saving them both.

The twenty years still weren't over.

But it's not like his as-of-yet-unknown-virginity was some sort of handicap for him, oh no. Most girls were so enamoured with the piece of cloth around his face that they would fall over their feet just to see what was underneath it. When the time came, he would simply unveil himself during the next karaoke night at the Dancing Shinobi and by the end of the night he would have his own personal harem. Eventhough he didn't know the first thing about _what_ went _where_ apart from the scanty knowledge he'd gleaned from Jiraiya's wonderfully graphic illustrations, Kakashi was pretty sure he would learn quickly. After all, of Jiraiya's heroes and heroines seemed to have no problem hitting the _spot _running in all of the Icha Icha he had read.

He chuckled as he moved in to capture her soft pink lips. "I wonder why I never noticed you before this. Especially after you miraculously grew breasts and hips post Ninja-War."

Sakura shot him an impish look. "Very funny, sensei. And by the way, I don't kiss cotton. Take off your mask."

The silver-haired jonin's eye widened, aghast. "But I have fish lips, a button mouth and buck teeth!"

"Stop lying, s_ensei_," she purred, draping her arms and legs artistically around his body. The pinkette frowned. For an elite jonin, he did seem to have a rather soft and flabby middle…or was it simply the vest he was wearing? So much for feeling up his (again, rumoured) eight pack.

He blinked. "I'm not. You don't think I wear this mask for fun do you?"

Sakura rolled her eyes and her fingers glided lightly over the edge of his mask-covered mouth. "It's okay, sensei. We all know that it adds to your "cool quotient". Women always have this innate obsession ferreting out anything hidden, and everyone says you have the face of a god underneath."

Kakashi was starting to get more irritated. So now, in addition to being the equivalent of Kami-sama in the bedroom, he was supposed to be flawlessly handsome too? His own "perfection" was even starting to scare him.

Tiredly, he replied, "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Her eyes shining in anticipation, the undisguised hunger in her eyes was evident as she watched him slowly peel off the blue fabric that was usually draped across his face.

He stopped. "Last chance."

Sakura rolled her eyes again. "Get **on** with it before I get **over** it."

_3, 2, 1…_

"Wow."

He smirked devilishly.

"The rumours really don't do you justice, Kakashi…" she murmured, touching his face in awe-struck silence.

"Rumours never do," he agreed as her trembling fingers lightly traced his lips, cheekbones and nose.

Her whole body started to shake now.

"But…but…" tears were streaming down her cheeks as she took in the pot-marked cheeks, buck teeth, fish lips, giant wart and hooked nose. "I thought you were lying!"

Kakashi tried to comfort her. "There there, you don't actually have to kiss me. It's only a seduction lesson after all, and anyway I'm not supposed to touch you because that would leave me in great danger of falling in love with you."

Sakura cried harder. "But I'm already in love with you!"

The Copy Ninja was completely taken aback at her words. "Why?" he managed to stammer weakly.

In between hiccups, she managed to gasp, "Well, I spent most of my teenage years in love with a teammate who turned out to be in love with my other teammate. Sai is a social retard while Yamato has a flashlight fetish." Through her tears, she managed to glare up at him. "You're a genius, you do the math!"

The older jonin counted on his fingers. "So that automatically rules out SasuSaku, NaruSaku, SaiSaku and YamaSaku. But that still leaves LeeSaku, GaaSaku, ItaSaku, InoSaku, HinaSaku..."

"Kakashi, be serious!"

Kakashi immediately sobered up at her furious tone. Looking thoughtfully at her, he finally ventured, "You do realise that our relationship will not and cannot be accepted by the village, don't you? I'll have to distance myself from you after this because being a noble and chivalrous shinobi, the guilt that I've fallen in love with one of my ex-students will crush and consume me."

The pinkette smiled. "I can live with that. I'll just use Sasuke, Genma or maybe Iruka-sensei to make you jealous."

He thought for a while before shrugging. "All right. You know I'll eventually come to my senses and declare that you're the only woman I want to be with. I just need a little time to ignore you and keep up my macho, bachelor image."

Patting his silvery mop affectionately, Sakura buried her face in his neck. "I know. And you're too adorable to hate anyway. I love you, Kakashi."

"I love you too, Sakura," he winked.

And they lived happily ever after.

**A/N:** END! OOC for sure, but it's all part of the parody. What are your own KakaSaku pet peeves and clichés? Let me know, and review if you enjoyed the ride!

-librastar x


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